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Joke of the Day

"Picked up our Christmas tree from the lot today AND my wife hasn't shaved in 3 weeks. Noble fir in the streets. Noble fur in the sheets."

"A man drops his watch........ And he notices his dog is about to piss on it. The man says ""Oh no you don't, not on my watch!"""

"Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, ""Ron, I'm gay."" ""Are you fucking serious?!"" asks Ron. ""Yeah...that too,"" says Harry."

"Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!"

"I had a dream where I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. Where the hell is my pillow?"

"I was trying to get my girl to try @nal. She said ""Fine I'm gonna stick my finger up your ass and see how you like it!"" The wedding is in a week"

"dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests date 5: i don't think the moon is real"

"[buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it."

"How do Soviet prison mates greet each other? Gulag to you too."

"Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other... I love the sound of money being printed."