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Joke of the Day

"Very sick man asks the doctor, ""how long do I have?"" The doctor replies ""10."" ""10? 10 years? 10 months? 10 what?"" ""9...8...7..."""

"My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma' I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses"

"The universe implodes.... No matter."

"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang a picture! Happy Easter!"

"When I'm pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they're mine I say 'no, they're for my collection' and run as fast as I can"

"What's the difference between men and women when it comes to drinking? My boys drive me to drink, but women drive me to drink."

"You know why the fiscal year ends in March and not December? Because the next year starts with April Fools' day."

"What do bees chew ? Bumble gum !"

"*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You'll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It's here."

"I'm thinking of taking up animal hoarding. Where can I get 37 armadillos this time of night?"