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Joke of the Day

"Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon."

"Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that."

"Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/"

"Hippocrates was pretty damn smart ... for a horse."

"Got Abs bro? Abs olutely."

"Why do honeydew melons have to get married in a formal ceremony? Because they cantaloupe."

"TIL why my adopted daughter keeps screaming ""Reddit Gold"" Apparently there's this really popular movie with a hit song that kids just love."

"Why when geese fly in a V formation is one side longer than the other? Because it has more geese in it."

"Coffee... If you're British, it may not be your cup of tea."

"Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is ""good"" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!"