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Joke of the Day

"Helium walks into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender says ""Sorry. We don't serve noble gases here"". He doesn't react."

"I put a picture of myself in a locket. You could say I'm... independent"

"(Date) Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks. Her: You mean panic attacks? Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop"

"I was wondering why the night had to be this long... ...Then it dawned upon me."

"Why do redditors have so many inside jokes? Because we're too afraid to go outside"

"I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day."

"when a cop pulls me over i tell him i'm a nihilist and i don't believe in tickets or laws or authority. i do however now believe in tazers."

"I can get most of Reddit to hate me in one sentence I'm watching Sword Art Online (my favorite anime) on my iPhone while reading a Minions fanfic on my Wii U and eating bananas dipped in ketchup"

"Did you ever think about ten years ago you'd be saying.. ""I really hope this is a chick I'm talking to""."

"Ray Charles has said he doesn't mind being blind.. Because at least he isn't black!"