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Joke of the Day

"My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists."

"Crayons are a lot like M&M's. All of the colors taste the same."

"My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying... I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity"

"Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend."

"The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party. I got, ""Oh, you're still here?"""

"While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread."

"CAT: Can u check my blood pressure? DR DOG: *places cuff around cat's neck* Sure CAT: Shouldnt that go on m- DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh"

"""Hey, my face is UP HERE and also OVER HERE"" - woman in Picasso painting"

"What is it called when a turtle is mentally retarded? Reptile disfunction. ."

"*Gets pulled over by cop* ""Papers?"" ""Scissors"" *Cop removes glasses* ""Rocks?"" *Both start successful trap house*"