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Joke of the Day

"I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!"

"Nu Finish makes a Scratch Doctor to get unwanted scratches out of your car... They should make a Biatch Doctor!"

"4: I'M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT Me: Stop yelling violent things 4: *whispers* I'm gonna rip your eyeballs out"

"Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7. At least it went out with a bang."

"The blind girl I was getting a handjob from told me I had the biggest dick she'd ever put her hands on. I said, ""Nah, you're just pulling my leg""."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"What's the difference between a hippie girl and a can of beans? You would still eat the beans after a month in the woods"

"I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away"

"You can't get AIDS from a toilet seat unless you sit down before the other guy gets up"

"[blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!"