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Joke of the Day

"Me: I can't seem to lose weight CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean"

"I went to see Jurassic World because I heard there was a recently genetically modified dinosaur... I didn't see Caitlyn Jenner anywhere"

"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock."

"I was on my knees all night, screwing this nut from behind... ...when I woke up this morning, my hands were really sore."

"How many Marines does it take to change a lightbulb? Four, one to change it and three to comment on the changing."

"If the USSR were to become a country again... ...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?"

"""Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre-- never mind"" - Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night"

"Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond."

"I saw a bumper sticker today..... I saw a bumper sticker today that said, ""My child has more chromosomes than yours (:"" .....what a retarded sense of humor"

"How do you make someone Holy? You beat the hell out of them."