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Joke of the Day

"When I said ""I hope you die,"" I was actually being really thoughtful. Do you really want to experience the unending burdens of immortality?"

"I don't trust people who say ""I married my best friend"" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage."

"1. Find homeless man. 2. Bathe him. 3. Wash & patch up his clothes. 4. Give him a record player. 5. Congratulations, you own a hipster."

"Sharks are more likely to go and attack men than women So if you are swimming with women. Just punch it in the nose Then throw her towards the shark"

"My friend drowned last week, so I had a wreath made in the shape of a life jacket in his memory. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted. -Milton Jones"

"When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, ""Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."""

"No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder."

"I was watching the super bowl And a hockey game broke out."

"My girlfriend got her car smogged, and suddenly I wondered about Middle-earth; Do Hobbits ever need to Smaug their cars?"

"German people are so rude. I helped someone in Berlin and all he did was call me ""donkey."""