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Joke of the Day

"Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt? ... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job."

"a fruedian slip is when you say one thing. . . . when you're thinking of a mother."

"God I hate kids. And people. And animals. And sardines. And stuff that's alive. And stuff that's dead. I hate stuff. I like cheese."

"There are two things in this world that smell like fish. And one of them is fish."

"When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar? When he takes out the trash"

"Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!"

"What is the difference between Ellen Pao her brain and Aids? Aids develops itself"

"So I was fucking my daughter last night... when my wife walked in. I don't know what she was more surprised by: the fact that I was fucking our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep it."

"Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can. 2/10"

"[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel] Date: The wine is lovely great choice Me: *helplessly slips off chair*"