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Joke of the Day

"[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel] Date: The wine is lovely great choice Me: *helplessly slips off chair*"

"New documentary about the female menstrual cycle. Available exclusively at Redbox."

"Don't have phone sex... ...you might get hearing aids."

"What has two thumb drives full of porn and forgot his laptop was hooked up to the projector?"

"It's 4:20 do you know what that means?!? It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done."

"If your Uncle Jack helped you off the horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse?"

"Why did the arsonist get kicked off the basketball team? He kept getting pyro-technicalities."

"Guys, they lied to us. Peach was never in any real danger and Mario and Bowser are buddies. I saw all of them hanging out and go-karting."

"Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA ""mama""."

"fire the chauffeur! Wife: ""I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...."" Husband: ""Dear, lets give him another chance."""