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Joke of the Day

"God I hate kids. And people. And animals. And sardines. And stuff that's alive. And stuff that's dead. I hate stuff. I like cheese."

"Why shouldn't you argue with a 90 degree angle? It's always right."

"What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up? Geometry."

"What does a cow produce when an earthquake occurs MILKSHAKE"

"I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials"

"Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? Mrs Bigger's baby because he's a little Bigger."

"I say ""Hey man, I got your back."" He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. ""Baby got back."" I say"

"What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? DAMN! My friend told me this the other day not sure where it came from but I laughed "

"Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering where the word etymology came from..."

"Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions"