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Joke of the Day

"Straight guys, don't act like an asshole when a gay guy hits on you... ...because then they'll definitely wanna fuck you."

"How many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh? TEN Tickles LuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuL"

"Sooo much pressure as a woman to not have a mustache."

"I wish they made aviator goggles for cats because my cat looks pretty dumb riding in my motorcycle's sidecar without them."

"My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom."

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."

"One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, ""Who's that hottie?"" and I'm gonna be like, ""WHO IS SAYING THAT?"""

"DOCTOR: ""Ok, now PUSH!"" WOMAN IN LABOUR: ""Should I be doing this in my state?"" DR: [leaning out of car window] ""Less talky, more pushy."""

"In the USSR's School system it was very important not to fall asleep while the teacher was talking Or you would fail to achieve class consciousness."

"When attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler."