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Joke of the Day

"*waiter lays down my plate* ""Can I get u anything else?"" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok"

"At this point, it's kind of embarrassing if your pet isn't a YouTube sensation."

"I always squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees and lean forward Cause that's how I roll."

"Whats the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches."

"Commented on a woman's french manicure. ""I like your tips"" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly."

"Donald Trump and his followers are buying Macs So they don't have to be PC anymore. *Ba dum tsst"

"Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,""Olive or twist?"""

"""So all you have to do is scroll down the screen to reverse her progression from sexy prom queen to fat soccer mom."" - Facebook's Timeline"

"What does a Triceratops sit on? His Tricerabottom"

"what's the difference between the government and the mafia? The Mafia is organized"