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Joke of the Day

"Hangry A state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation: feed me or i'll cut you"

"Age gets better with wine"

"[on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww"

"What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider? Bacon and scrambled leggs."

"If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything."

"My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she's off balance."

"Valar morghulis the feminist extremists' motto."

"Wife: ""You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you."" Me: ""I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!"""

"""If all your friends jumped"" 'Yes' ""But if they"" 'Yes' ""But"" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?"

"In 1987, we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope... ...now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope."