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Joke of the Day

"If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything."

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman"

"How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle."

"What do you do when an elephant comes into a room? Swim."

"I hate guitarists... They're so picky."

"Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable."

"The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children's book that teaches us that it's ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they're dead."

"In exchange for eternal youth, Amanda promised a witch her firstborn child. Amanda's a lesbian."

"Mermaids: Can't live with them, can't beat them in a potato sack race."

"I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me."