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Joke of the Day

"[on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww"

"What does DNA strand for? National Dyslecsics Association"

"I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I'm in."

"I lose my white friends in the snow and I lose my Asian friends in the sand. Where do I lose my Arab friends? I don't have any Arab friends, so it doesn't matter."

"I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden."

"What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)"

"Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner."

"Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*"

"I hear that in Star Wars 8 they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother... His name is Y Solo."

"What's the difference between Trump and Clinton? 62 Electoral Votes"