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Joke of the Day

"Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me"

"How I would kidnap pedophiles. Have a white van advertisting free kids."

"You'd be surprised how many strangers will let you hug them when you approach with open arms & a big smile. None. I've been stabbed 3 times"

"Did you know about the guy that invented tampons? He went from rags to riches"

"Blowdryer Incident Bob's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, ""heating up your breakfast"" was not the right answer!"

"Didn't Pull Out 3 year ago I dont Always wake up at 4 AM on Saturday....!!!!!!!!! But When i Do....it because i forgot to pull out on time 3 years ago"

"If you're reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help."

"What is the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs"

"I spend a lot of time thinking about you and how you were pretty much good with everything. By you I mean Nutella."

"Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.."