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Joke of the Day

"What makes light beer and having sex on a canoe essentially the same thing? They are both fucking close to water."

"Thinking of cryogenically freezing myself until they can find a cure for unemployment."

"My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now..."

"Glad they redesigned Gmail---I've been dying to compose an email farther to the right."

"It's easier to compliment a woman when you're traveling with a toddler. ""Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes."""

"Dan: My little brother is a real pain. Nan: Things could be worse. Dan: How? Nan: He could be twins !"

"When a store plays pop music half the time and classic rock the other half, you know there's two people working there that hate each other."

"My goal in life is to get my face on a coin. That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world."

"I could've had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band."

"What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird."