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Joke of the Day

"And the Lord said unto John, ""Come forth and receive eternal life."" But John came in fifth and won a toaster."

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"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter."
"One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, ""Who's that hottie?"" and I'm gonna be like, ""WHO IS SAYING THAT?"""
"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A fish"
"You know who hates unexpected visitors? Osama Bin Ladin"
"my kid threw a tantrum at IKEA and broke over 50 wine glasses. Cost me damn near $4 to pay for them all"
"Tilda Swinton is what happens when a lamp from IKEA becomes self aware."
"My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid. I said I can stop any time I want."
"My grandma just broke her hip farting! #EpicFrail!"
"The best joke you'll never hear"
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