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Joke of the Day
"I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.... Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill."
Next Joke
"What's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog."
"Why was Jared Fogle upset? Because he was sentenced to over 15 years in prison."
"I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart..."
"The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that's all you really need."
"Why did the elephant eat the candle ? For light refreshment !"
"Eyecare Clerk: And for $79 we can coat your lenses with anti-glare. Me: Is that intended to benefit me or the people I glare at?"
"Two fat Scottish sounding women in my bar tonight... ""Hey, are you two from Scotland?"" I asked. ""It's WALES you fucking idiot,"" one yelled. I apologized, ""Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"""
"My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks."
"""Hire me or I'll eat your family."" -effective bear resume"