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Joke of the Day

"I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart..."

"*Sees son doing homework* What u doing? ""Math, it's due Friday"" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u"

"It's not the cat wearing my pants without permission that pisses me off. It's that he looks better in them than I do."

"[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet"

"We may not be able to call black people the N-word But we can say things like ""hey dad"" and ""have a nice day officer."""

"Why are Christians so bad at Trigonometry ? They're afraid of sin"

"What do you guys think of polar bears? I think they all white."

"Mickey Mouse divorces Minnie Mouse ""Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she was.... extremely silly? ""No, I said she was fucking goofy."""

"I don't want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn't trying very hard."

"What did the school in Egypt finally get? A new bus."