54090

Joke of the Day

"I remember when [person x] was just *this* big (hold hand at knee level)... Then as I got closer I realized it was a matter of perspective."

"Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies"

"What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? Nothing. You can't cross a scaler and a vector"

"What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi."

"Dream girl: -tall -skinny -can pull off wearing a hat -honest -a fan of the theater -abolished slavery -is Abraham Lincoln"

"It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it."

"Your clever title is half the joke."

"Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics..."

"My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they're out of earshot."

"I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit"