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Joke of the Day

"All of my horoscopes lately have started with ""Ok, don't freak out but..."""

"I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off. Nice bit of footage."

"I got a puppy for my girlfriend. It was the best trade ever!"

"Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier"

"Some guy knocked on my door today and said, ""I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."" I said ""You've got the wrong house then, mate"""

"[notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?"

"I bought a thesaurus from Walmart and the pages were blank.. I have no words to describe how angry I am"

"What do you call ten sets of bagpipes at the bottom of the sea? A start."

"Marriage counselling because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass."

"If you're going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights"