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Joke of the Day

"[notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?"

"A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time... She replied ""I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"""

"My parents are in town and said they'd be at my house in ten minutes, and I'm wondering if that's enough time to build a moat."

"with great power comes great electricity bills"

"There was a deaf mute who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap."

"I got breast removal surgery... Sorry I had to get that of my chest"

"Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money? She didn't believe in prophets."

"Husband: I called my boss ""Honey"" today. Wife: What? Why? H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out."

"Why is math a scumbag? Because it borrows the one and never gives it back."

"I'm finishing off this bottle of wine because you never know when an asteroid is gonna hit and I'd hate to waste the $6.49 I spent on it."