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Joke of the Day

"11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter."

"A funeral stone: This is where rests in peace an attorney, a good and honorable man A guy passing buy is shocked: "" Wow! I never knew they can bury 3 people in the same grave."""

"When life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic"

"*Tries to hit the gym* *Gym hits back*"

"(Shaq wakes up, steps in front of the green screen in his bedroom, knocks out 20-30 commercials, begins his day.)"

"If I had a penny for every trump joke, I'd have enough money to build a wall..."

"I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I'm a fan."

"I don't see how flight MH370 sunk. When it hit the water it would have been plane sailing."

"What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Making the decision to turn off life support."

"I miss the good old days when no one knew what gluten was."