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Joke of the Day

"Dont wanna cause any alarm.But hold off on the #HappyNewYear stuff.Just traveled 1 yr into the future.lets just say it went badly 4 all of u"

"If we're dating and you call me bae, boo or daddy... I'm walking out on you like, well, your daddy."

"I met a woman at happy hour... She had a tattoo on her bikini line. It was a picture of a conch shell. She said ""If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean""."

"Daddy can u get me a drink? ""No, you're 5yo you can get your own drink"" Fine *goes to fridge ""While you're there can you grab me a beer?"""

"How does Harry Potter travel about? Walking -Jk Rolling"

"fuck that. A guy frantically searches his room then asks his grandma if she has found a bottle labeled LSD. Fuck that replies granny, have you seen the fucking dragon in the kitchen?"

"At what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tenish."

"[pet store] Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no"

"*judge bangs gavel on desk* *judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning* *judge tell gavel he loves her* *judge marries gavel*"

"A reposter reposted... And he was ashamed of himself."