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Joke of the Day

"[pet store] Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no"

"What's the difference between Tony Abbott and a coffee machine?... One is a cold heartless machine, used by everyone... ...And the other is useful with a Cafe. Gnite folks!"

"[tells friend cat passed away] Is there anything I can do? Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap But I- [starts crying] OK OK"

"Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming ""Lie to me! Lie to me!!!"""

"What did the beaver say when he fell in water? Damn it."

"How do you make a cat sound like a dog? You light on fire. *woof*"

"How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their little brooms!"

"Someone once asked me if I trust boobs... ...I said ""I put my faith in them"""

"X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup..."

"I like to sit outside Barnes & Noble with my iPad and make caveman noises at the people coming out with real books."