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Joke of the Day

"My father used to say ""Life is like a box of chocolates..."" **BECAUSE WOMEN WILL DESTROY YOU.**"

"[feeding baby] Here comes the plane! *baby swallows food* wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk"

"Have you ever met a vegan that does crossfit? Oh you'd know if you had."

"I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's.. :looks directly at the camera: ""About thyme"""

"Q: What is long, black and stinks? A: The unemployment line"

"Why can't your penis be 12 inches? Because then it'd be a foot"

"Why are Toblerone's triangular shaped? So they fit in the box."

"Wife was talking for a while so I pulled out my iPod & played her off award show style. This did not go over as well as I hoped."

"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number. You've probably never heard of it."

"No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone."