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Joke of the Day

"What's it called when you're killing time at work hiding in the bathroom? Stalling."

"I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number Avoidance is expensive"

"I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night... ""This is my dad Roger,"" I said, ""And this is my twin brother Dave."" ""Nice to meet you,"" she smiled. ""Who's the oldest?"" I said, ""My dad."""

"Have you ever traveled in time? How about now?"

"I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it's someone's birthday and I need to show respect."

"Mom: ""Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?"" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions"

"Two sheep are in a field... One says ""Baaaaaaah"" The other one says, ""Fuck, I was gonna say that!"""

"Ugly sweater day at work. I'm wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying ""ugh, please, this old thing."""

"OPRAH AND AIRPORT SECURITY Q: Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack."

"When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people."