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Joke of the Day

"I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number Avoidance is expensive"

"*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as i suspected. wind."

"What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip? Coo."

"What is the one army in the world that could defeat the US army in a war? The Reddit army!"

"I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let's go for pancakes."

"Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom."

"So it's game night at a social group. The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose? They chose ""Sorry!""."

"I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with ""What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"""

"Why did the scarecrow get the job? Because he was out standing in his field."

"I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me."