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Joke of the Day

"Every time you say you're humble, I want to buy you a dictionary."

"I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini."

"Because the unspeakable can also happen to men I bought myself a rape alarm. I'll be fucked if this thing doesn't work."

"HER: We need to talk. ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk. HER: ... ME: I assume we need to talk longer now."

"Why is the sea so salty? because the land won't wave back."

"What do you call a crappy joke on /r/Jokes? sub-standard."

"Baltimore? More like BaltiLESS! Haha!"

"I have a habit... I have a habit of flipping around letters in a word. You say pencil, I say cenpil. You say banana, I say nababa. You say popcorn, I shut up."

"*sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*"

"I broke up with my girlfriend when I found out she only has 4 toes on each foot.... Turns out I'm lack-toes intolerant.."