49288

Joke of the Day

"They say there's safety in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews..."

"[meeting with boss] ""I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday."" ""I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"""

"2000 pounds of crap music = 1 reggaeton."

"I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it."

"Why is King Kong big and hairy? So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry."

"WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS"

"No trees were killed to send this tweet, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced."

"Please, if I ever offend you, it's because I meant to."

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That's a trick question. Feminists haven't changed anything."

"50 Cent used to be 1 Dollar... But now he's only half the man he was."