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Joke of the Day

"I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it."

"What is the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker."

"""I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"""

"I love breakdancing. I don't do it... Or watch it, even. I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids."

"The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number."

"""Hello?"" Dad come get me from practice ""Sorry I'm going into a tunnel"" *sound of mom giggling* But I called the *connection drops* ...landline"

"I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone."

"Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so."

"No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president."

"Me: I bet you die before you figure out how to text me back. *3 years later* Grandma: Fuck you bitch. Say bye to your inheritance"