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Joke of the Day

"I let a blind man borrow some money the other day He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me"

"My wife wants me to be her sexual advisor She said:""if I want your fucking opinion I'll ask for it"""

"My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack."

"You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells ""I voted"" stickers."

"[INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM"

"Did you hear about the birds who wanted to go out drinking? They ended up at the crowbar."

"People in love use phrases like ""takes my breath away"" and ""swept me off my feet"". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder."

"Every time I click ""Remember Me"" on a login page, I get a little sad thinking about my fleeting existence... ...But some cookies would brighten my day! Disclaimer: Made this joke up just now."

"I asked a gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits ... He said, ''How flexible are you''? I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''."

"Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker."