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Joke of the Day

"Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit."

"Pants Up Don't Loot"

"*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention* *forgets where he left it*"

"Did you know that 50% of asian businessmen have cataracts? The other half have BMW's."

"A black guy in the library just asked me where the colored printer is... It's 2015 dude, use whatever printer you want."

"WHAT DO WE WANT!? CLEARED TIMES ON OUR MICROWAVES! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? 0:00!"

"Did you guys hear about the catastrophic genetic flower breeding program that tried to cross an aster and a daisy? It was a dais-aster."

"me [filing a claim with the insurance company after the basement flooded] We had a pony down there too"

"I had Chinese German food Hour later I was hungry for power"

"Pity Poor Peter I feel sorry for my friend Peter. His hair's a mess. His family's nuts. His neighbor's an asshole. On bad days, his girlfriend's a c---. And his owner beats him. EDIT: Punctuation."