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Joke of the Day

"I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'. So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself."

"(Grandpa joke) If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? Bagels. I'll be here all night, people!"

"If you are on a low-sodium diet avoid my twitter because I AM VERY SALTY TODAY."

"What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat? One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws."

"*interview* So, why do you want to be a judge? *Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* ""To fight crime"""

"A trailer in a movie theater ended with ""November 20th"" and a guy loudly said, ""thats my birthday"" and a random guy said ""happy birthday"""

"Dear math, I dont wanna help you find your ""x"" she left you, move on"

"Paper is so terrible..."

"We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica."

"What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed? How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?"