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Joke of the Day

"We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica."

"Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid."

"Let's be honest... Finn was a little bit on the Dark side..."

"Eli5 What is it like being six."

"-This is my son Michelangelo. -Oh, like the artist. -Um no like the Ninja Turtle."

"I just rolled a joint... Now my ankle hurts Edit: You did not expect that!"

"In North Korea... [edited] everything is grand and prosperous and USA is smelly"

"[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*"

"As a kid I could never understand why my mother would not let me play near the train tracks across the street from my house. Then it hit me."

"*wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!"