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Joke of the Day

"If you are on a low-sodium diet avoid my twitter because I AM VERY SALTY TODAY."

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

"train me. no. train me. okay. training montage. the big fight. i'm glad you trained me. i'm glad i trained you. #everyboxingmovie"

"Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag."

"Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly. Because she obviously doesn't listen."

"If he's a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?"

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog."

"I will force my way into an inside joke and kill the fun before I let two people laugh about something I don't get."

"What does a pig use to write his term papers with? Pen and Oink!"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies."