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Joke of the Day

"I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, ""No, I'll probably put it in the living room."""

"[Wall Street] ME: haha Hump Day, amiright? HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes* ME: eh? *nudge* HD: Dude don't- ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit"

"Did you hear they are combining the MENSA convention and the pride parade next year? Scientists predict a homogeneous mixture of attendees"

"Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards."

"""It's no biggie"" I can't tell if they are trying to make me feel better or insulting my manhood on the first date."

"Mom: When I was your age I never had sex Me: Mom, I'm 32 Mom: Exactly"

"Tony the tiger has a sleeping problem. His teeth grate!"

"What do you call kids born in whorehouses? brothel sprouts!"

"Just texted ""I still love you"" to about 50 random phone numbers."

"I took an IQ test. The results were negative."