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Joke of the Day

"Instructions for falling down the stairs: Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12."

"If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I'd spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking."

"Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon."

"Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom."

"Doctor: I'm going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal. Me: Well now you've made THAT nearly impossible."

"Yesterday a bird crashed into my window... ..of course that's what I was willing it to do, so everything worked out great."

"I tattooed the word ""WINNER"" on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts"

"Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement."

"Leia: This is romantic Han: I know Chewie: Rwwar Leia: Does he have to be here? Han: It's a life debt. You're basically marrying us both"

"What's the difference between a Malaysia Airline flight and Internet Explorer? None. Eventually, both of them are gonna crash."