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Joke of the Day

"Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement."

"I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I'm not allowed back inside that hospital :("

"""I don't care how goodlooking you are if you don't have any brains."" -Zombies"

"Why would you rather run into a bmw driver than a cactus? Because it's easier to deal with just one prick"

"I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants."

"Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs."

"Did you hear about the kidnapping on the bus? He woke up."

"What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend? ""Dino what you're thinking."""

"If you have 99 problems... ...you're a math textbook."

"I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me."