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Joke of the Day

"Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one"

"Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk."

"I feel like Jesus... Is the kind of person to leave you hanging."

"I have one trophy on reddit. Dust"

"wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said ""Get Well Soon"""

"Amy Schumer has died in a gravy flood she got her ears pierced."

"What sea creature is the most self-centered? A shellfish"

"[My relationship with TV] There's nothing on. *watches nothing for the next six hours."

"An Asian, a black guy and a Jew walk into a bar.. bartender says, ""Get the fuck out of here"""

"I will spend a minimum of three minutes looking for something resembling a spoon before breaking down and washing one."