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Joke of the Day

"Wait. If Toyotas can't stop accelerating, can't they theoretically be used for space travel?"

"All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won."

"Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days."

"What happened when Curiosity took Accusation out on a date? She aroused suspicion."

"I've had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours."

"I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ~Conversations I have with my couch"

"I hate when my kids say ""But mom; it was an accident!"" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you."

"I'm sorry' and I apologize' generally mean the same thing Except at Funerals"

"How do terrorists like their apple pie? Allah mode."

"I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer."