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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a dead cow? You can't keep milking the dead cow for 13 years"

"You'd think there'd be more mirrors in the self-checkout aisle. As far as I know I made this joke up."

"TIL the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teeth brush."

"I love when I'm walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It's like she knew I wanted to race all along."

"the (please) fresh (lead) deli (me) sandwiches (into) at (woods) Walgreens (and) are (shoot) actually (me) pretty (in) good (head)"

"Do lesbians ever rock and paper?"

"I asked a comedian what performing in the Soviet Union was like. Apparently, back then, it was all about the execution."

"Marvel is making a ""Winter Soldier"" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the ""Summer Sausage"""

"Get a slab of bread dough. Wrap dental floss around it. Congratulations, you've seen me naked."

"What's the different between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza? I give a shit when my pizza is burnt."