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Joke of the Day

"I love when I'm walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It's like she knew I wanted to race all along."

"Do you think Apple's next phone will be a 6S?"

"Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?..."

"How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it."

"What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?"

"Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing."

"I know it's crazy to think that every time I have deja vu, it's actually happened before, but..."

"I loved church when i was little, but what i hated was all the standing up, and sitting down and kneeling I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me already."

"How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything? Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one? Me : Today's."

"Why do Irishmen grow mustaches? So they look like their mothers"