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Joke of the Day

"Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty."

"Why do girls always walk in odd packs? Because they literally can't even."

"I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real."

"What do you call a colored man ? A Hueman"

"If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember.. there is someone crash testing volvos"

"""did you hear the one about the grizzly who-"" dude stop ""it's just a joke man"" i know it's stupid but- *points to my date* bear with me"

"If I'm ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works."

"A man tells his doctor, ""Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, ""Sorry, I don't follow you..."

"My friend took my mood ring without my permission. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Critics are calling my performance of Wife Pretending To Care About Her Husband's Work Story ""emotionally charged"" and ""daring""."