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Joke of the Day

"If I'm ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works."

"How's school, Hannah? ""Really tough, dad."" They're calling you Hannah Banana, aren't they? ""No-"" WHY THE HELL NOT"

"How many minutes equal one orgasm ? One eight year old."

"The scariest part of the show ""I didn't know I was pregnant"" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series."

"TIFU No, literally. Your girl was on my lap. That's the only time I fuck up."

"What's the difference between being hard at work and being hard at work. ...you can't be the latter if you're a teacher"

"""911, what's your emergency?"" Hi i need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now."

"Owning a selfie stick is a good way to tell people that you've driven all of your friends away with your narcissism."

"One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it."

"If you marry an 18 year old they call you a cradle robber.. So if you marry a 70 year old, does that make you a grave robber?"