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Joke of the Day

"My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like ""That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella""."

"Is Google a Boy or a Girl? A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said."

"What happened to the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl? They had a MetLife crisis. (that's the name of the stadium)"

"What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ? Unstable."

"*proposes to girlfriend* *accidentally drops ring in the street* ""I'll still marry you"" Sorry, I'm married to the streets now"

"I watched a documentary on marijuana ..... .... It was very enjoyable. I think all documentaries should be watched this way."

"I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a ""ghost"" and end up as a ""drunk ghost that needs a ride home."""

"Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT"

"How do you power a fleshlight? With sexual batteries!"

"a man walked into a bar nd he asked for a drink of whiskey and da barman sed, ""do u want whiskey or whisky?"" nd da man sed, ""i dont hear da diffrence!!!!"""