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Joke of the Day

"*showing mom how to use her phone* What's the blue button with the bird? THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!"

"I'm married to a nut I guess you could say I'm fucking nuts."

"Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn't even begin to cover what's wrong with me."

"When a couple argues the guy will say what's on his mind, the girl will say what's on her mind & 99 other things that should've been on his."

"*Looking in the mirror* Fix hair. Check teeth. Fix hair. Check butt. Fix hair. Side check. Suck in. Side check. Fix hair. *Sighs* walks..."

"I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things."

"In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth."

"If I have 5 apples and Jamal take 3, what color is Jamal? Admit it, you're a fucking racist!"

"anyone wanna hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, its too CHEESY."

"No tables? Maybe THIS will change your mind [slides maitre d' piece of paper that says ""It's my birthday""]"