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Joke of the Day

"I'm married to a nut I guess you could say I'm fucking nuts."

"[he picks me up on 1st date] Him: What do you have there? Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham."

"My wife called me a paedophile yesterday Quite a long word for a 9 year old."

"Me: I like your Prince tattoo. ""It's my mother."" Me: Your mother is Prince?"

"1998: - Don't get in strangers' cars - Don't meet ppl from internet 2016: - Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car"

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you."

"My father's Texas joke A Texan gets pulled over for speeding. The officer says, ""You got an ID?"" The Texan says, ""... about what?"""

"Motion to rename diarrhea ""craps lock."" I am very proud of the person I have become."

"A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME AGE ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED. ''Yes.''"

"What's the difference between an old Greyhound terminal and a lobster with double D breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean."